I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
