you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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