saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
