Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
How many fucks given?
0.12846
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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