I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
