i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
