I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
