you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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