i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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