Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
accomplished twins. life is a go
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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