Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
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