I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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