I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
