When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It's just like the Real World with babies
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
