I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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