Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think I am morally bankrupt
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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