the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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