life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Your shirt... Was in my pants
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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