The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
