I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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