I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
