Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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