Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
