spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
