You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
