I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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