Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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