so that wasnt chicken after all
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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