Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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