We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
