im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When did angry sex become our thing?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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