I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
