she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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