Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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