You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
