I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
