I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
