you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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