I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
