Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
