Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
