Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
