I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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