I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
