Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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