see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
