Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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