If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
