One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
