A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You don't make any sense
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