I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Randomize
